That Pantless Life

We Hit on Everyone at the Bar

Too long to read? Audio version here. You’re welcome Davis.

I was in my mid-twenties and fairly new to being a single adult having been in a series of monogamous relationships prior to that. I was on a work trip basically in the middle of nowhere. Luckily, I was with my colleague who had become a very close friend of mine, let’s call her Sabrina for anonymity sake. Sabrina was a polished professional and grew up going to private school.

I did not go to private school, and I’m a bit of a shit disturber. I thought it would be fun to go out to town and hit on guys until we can find some that would be willing to come back to our hotel rooms with us. We’re in a small town in the middle of nowhere, and we’ve never really hit on guys before so it was our first try at this. It felt kind of like the Simple Life. Sounds easy enough right? Two girls, in their twenties, inviting guys back to our hotel room. And for the record, we just wanted to see if we could hit on guys and get them to come back to our hotel, at which point we would get them as drunk as we could using our corporate cards. We were professionals, no X-rated business here.

There were only so many bars in this small town, and we heard there was this one that was busier on a Thursday night so we go there first. They were having a tater tots competition. How convenient, bring on the tater tot men!

Our First Prey

Immediately, I spot my first prey, an older man in his thirties, drinking a beer. He wasn’t great looking, but we weren’t here to be picky. I realize that I’m a very obvious visible minority here in this small town being Asian. I’m hoping it would come off as exotic sexy. I talk him up, asked him what he did for a living. Thank god he did not work at the same company as us (the company we worked for employed the majority of people in this town). After a few minutes I dropped the, “So, would you like to join my friend Sabrina and I back at our hotel?”. I pointed at my friend. He said he had to be home soon because he was married. Darn! I look around and I see all the men sitting around the bar with rings on their finger. I realize that men marry young in small towns. We weren’t here to be homewreckers so we moved on.

The Younger Guys

Next, I spot a large group of younger guys, closer in age to us. They looked like they were having a guys night out! Perfect prey for us to hit on. Sabrina and I close in on them. Sabrina talks to one guy and I talk to another. Turns out they were all there to support their friend who got dumped recently by his long-term girlfriend. Okay, they all seem single at least so we ask them, “Would you like to join my friend and I back at our hotel?”. They said they couldn’t ditch their group since they were here to support their friend. Damn! Bamboozled.

The tater tots competition was finishing up, and these guys were full on tots and about to go to another bar and asked us to come. Do we continue to hit on married guys or do we go? We followed them to the next bar of course!

Next bar was a lot more hip, with a wider variety of beers and a wider variety of younger guys. I hit on a few other guys there but didn’t get a chance to close because we were pulled back to the group of guys that invited us to this bar. The guy who recently had his heart broken started talking to Sabrina. Wingman starts talking to me. The night progresses and I hint to Sabrina that we need to close in on our mission. Were these two going to go back to the hotel with us? She tells me she’s working on it. Wingman asks me to go out for a smoke. I don’t smoke, but I go out with him. We had a nice chat and he said he’d be willing to come back to our hotel if his heartbroken friend is willing to come back too. Wingman and I go in to check on our friends, and I see his heart broken friend drunk crying while talking to Sabrina. I had to get her out asap.

Turns out, heartbroken guy kissed Sabrina and then he broke down and cried saying he was very sorry he could not fuck her. My poor private school friend was so nice and tried to console him. I tell her, we have to go, we have a mission. We pass by a college pub where boys were literally running out with their shirts off, we decided to pass on that.

Calling it a Night

It’s nearly midnight now on a weekday and we’re unsure whether we should continue. We call it at night. We were defeated. We spent the last five hours at two different bars hitting on and persuading men to come back to our hotel room with no luck. Who knew it would be so hard?
“…then he broke down and cried saying he was very sorry he could not fuck her. “

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